Sunday, April 09, 2017

    The Creative Cycle

    April has always been a killer month .. if I learned to say NO to people, I would keep
    this month aside and be honest, but I dont .. I see a clearer calendar usually and forgot
    to factor in recovery from an always bumper March.  I never take time for myself and
    I forget about burnout.

    Today I googled:

    "When I do so much work people are happy and so lots more people ask me to work for
    them also, but I cant"

    Ok, so not winning any literary awards, but often when I burble into Google I get
    unexpected and real results.  Someone, usually, has written exactly what I am feeling,
    and I find what I am looking for.

    What I wanted is: How To Manage Referrals

    Because I could work forever.
    I turn away that much work I wonder why I bothered working hard in the first place,
    if I am just turning away what would be considered to be the benefits.  I give it to
    colleages, I talk up other photographer friends and why you should go to them, not me.
    I'm sad to do this, but also, I use such an enormous amount of time and energy to
    produce the work I do, by the time the referrals roll in, as they do, i'm exhausted,
    spent, and feeling like a fraud.  It's a nasty cycle.

    When I feel better and next get a spare moment, I get excited and start the cycle again,
    and make promises and changes to myself I break the moment anyway asks me to
    help them.
    I stop it, then start it, then stop it, then start it again.

    So anyway, google.

    Google's answer to my question, not the first return, but about the 5th was:
    "What is the best way to kill yourself"

    Oh.  Wow.
    Thanks Google.

    I didnt click on the link.
    It's not that dire.

    But I do wish I was kinder to myself and didnt carry so much guilt around.
    I hate saying no.

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