The Creative Cycle

April has always been a killer month .. if I learned to say NO to people, I would keep
this month aside and be honest, but I dont .. I see a clearer calendar usually and forgot
to factor in recovery from an always bumper March.  I never take time for myself and
I forget about burnout.

Today I googled:

"When I do so much work people are happy and so lots more people ask me to work for
them also, but I cant"

Ok, so not winning any literary awards, but often when I burble into Google I get
unexpected and real results.  Someone, usually, has written exactly what I am feeling,
and I find what I am looking for.

What I wanted is: How To Manage Referrals

Because I could work forever.
I turn away that much work I wonder why I bothered working hard in the first place,
if I am just turning away what would be considered to be the benefits.  I give it to
colleages, I talk up other photographer friends and why you should go to them, not me.
I'm sad to do this, but also, I use such an enormous amount of time and energy to
produce the work I do, by the time the referrals roll in, as they do, i'm exhausted,
spent, and feeling like a fraud.  It's a nasty cycle.

When I feel better and next get a spare moment, I get excited and start the cycle again,
and make promises and changes to myself I break the moment anyway asks me to
help them.
I stop it, then start it, then stop it, then start it again.

So anyway, google.

Google's answer to my question, not the first return, but about the 5th was:
"What is the best way to kill yourself"

Oh.  Wow.
Ok.
Thanks Google.

I didnt click on the link.
It's not that dire.

But I do wish I was kinder to myself and didnt carry so much guilt around.
I hate saying no.